Author Topic: Court quotes  (Read 360 times)

Offline cfmwh

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Court quotes
« on: July 31, 2007, 11:34:08 AM »
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and  are   things people actually said, word for word, in court, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying  calm  while these exchanges were actually taking  place.
  ATTORNEY:    Are you sexually  active?
  WITNESS:     No, I just lie   there.
   ATTORNEY:   What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
   WITNESS:    Gucci sweats and  Reeboks.
  ATTORNEY:   This   myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
   WITNESS:    Yes.
  ATTORNEY:   And in what ways  does it affect  your memory?
  WITNESS:    I  forget.
  ATTORNEY:   You forget? Can you give us an example of  something you   forgot?
  ATTORNEY:  What was  the  first thing your husband said to you that   morning?
   WITNESS:   He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
  ATTORNEY:  And  why did that upset  you?
  WITNESS:   My name is  Susan!
   ATTORNEY:   Do you  know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
  WITNESS:    We both do.
   ATTORNEY:   Voodoo?
  WITNESS:    We   do.
  ATTORNEY:   You do?
  WITNESS:     Yes, voodoo.
   ATTORNEY:   Now  doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know  about it until the next  morning?
  WITNE SS:   Did you actually pass the bar  exam?
  ATTORNEY:    The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
   WITNESS:    Uh, he's twenty-one.
  ATTORNEY:   Were you  present when your picture was taken?
  WITNESS:    Are you  shittin' me?
   ATTORNEY:   So the date  of conception (of the baby) was Augus 8th?
  WITNESS:    Yes.
  ATTORNEY:   And  what were you doing at that  time?
  WITNESS:     Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
  ATTORNEY:     She  had three children, right?
  WITNESS:      Yes.
  ATTORNEY:    How many were boys?
   WITNESS:     None.
  ATTORNEY:    Were  there any girls?
  WITNESS:     Are you shittin' me?  Your Honour, I think I need a   different attorney.  Can I get a new  attorney?
   ATTORNEY:   How was your  first marriage terminated?
   WITNESS:    By death.
  ATTORNEY:   And by whose  death was it terminated?
  WITNESS:    Now whose death do  you suppose terminated it?
  ATTORNEY:   Can you  describe the individual?
  WITNESS:    He was about medium  height and had a beard.
  ATTORNEY:   Was this a male  or a  female?
  WITNESS:    Guess.
  ATTORNEY:   Is your  appearance here this morning pursuant to a   deposition notice which I  sent to  your attorney?
  WITNESS:    No, this is how  I dress when I go to  work.
  ATTORNEY:    Doctor,  how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead  people?
  WITNESS:    All my autopsies are performed on  dead people . Would you like to rephrase that?
  ATTORNEY:   ALL your  responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
   WITNESS:    Oral.
  ATTORNEY:   Do   you recall the time that you examined the body?
   WITNESS:    The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
   ATTORNEY:   And Mr. Denton  was dead at the time?
   WITNESS:    No, he was sitting on  the table wondering why I  was  doing an autopsy on him!
  ATTORNEY:   Are  you  qualified to give a urine sample?
  WITNESS:     Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
  And the  best for  last:
   ATTORNEY:    Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
  WITNESS:      No.
  ATTORNEY:    Did you check for blood  pressure?
  WITNESS:     No.
   ATTORNEY:    Did you check for breathing?
   WITNESS:     No.
  ATTORNEY:    So,  then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the  autopsy?
  WITNESS:     No.
   ATTORNEY:    How can you be so sure, Doctor?
   WITNESS:     Because his brain was  sitting on my desk  in a jar.
  ATTORNEY:    I see, but could the patient have  still been alive,   nevertheless?
  WITNESS:      Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and   practicing   law